they call me mrs. richards

i have been quite an emotional wreck ever since i got married. it's a huge transition people. they were right. but i'm comforted by the lord's love and his reminding me that he really does love me more than i can feel or think. and that all those concerns that keep me up at night or keep me crying while looking at pottery barn on the toilet are just my oppurtunity to again talk to him. to tell him that i'm scared and i want control and that i don't trust him. but then it changes. and then i've got peace.

i will be looking for a new job here in a couple months. my boss has decided to close her practice and take a break from being a 24/7 on-call midwife. in the first days following her announcement to the 3 girls (me, beth and amy) i was literally out of my mind. not super emotional, although i did break-down crying one night when jeremy created a super-romantic welcome home dinner for me. but the thinking, the constant thinking! so then i heard a song by jill phillips, who i never really liked before that, and i was all better.

what i was thinking about all the time was:
who am i going to have deliver my baby
maybe i'll just have an unattending birth, it may be safer than the hospital
i can use a CPM and travel wherever i need to go
jeremy reassured me that carey is not the only great midwife in the world, the Lord would provide for us what we need
i don't want to work somewhere & care about something i know is just going to end, i wanted out
i had mixed emotions about how things were being handled
i realized I CARE TOO MUCH and let go of that
i started to feel old and think that i was eventually going to get too old to have babies anyway
what the hell am i going to do for work?
maybe i'll go back to school, i could be a midwife!
i don't want anymore debt
maybe i'll go back to school anyway, for nutrition
no. no. no. no more debt
so i started taking more pictures
got more pictures developed
THAT feels good
put them in a picture album & i'm getting ready to give them away
i think i was made to do this
i think i'll take a class at dmacc on photography cuz i'm techologically stupid

who the heck knows what's next. i'm definatly out of my mind, but what is new. what i do know now is that while all of my boss' clients are freakin, i am at peace because while she is truly great at what she does, i got the best part of her...all the secrets and tid-bits of knowledge and all the greatest referrals i could ask for. i consider myself fortunate for having gotten to gleen as much from her as i have. and that combined with what i've learned working for all the other brilliant minds that i have along the way, i am set to move forward into what is next for me.

i really think i'll do best in a place where i can get away with exposing tatoos and piercings. now that i'm almost 30 i'm so done with business casual i could scream. i need me a job where i can wear jeans and dye my hair red and basically not match if i want.

things with the j. man are going really well, by the way, don't let that first paragraph fool you. he's a great man and we become better friends ever day. except the day when he didn't deposit the check when i asked him to & i almost killed him.